from the village with love

   I’m new in the city.

   I’m practically a village boy. I wash my heels with a stone, love fresh goat milk (I even tried milking the stuff straight into my mouth but the malicious goat kept kicking me in the groin,) and have a weakness for lasses who pluck tree leaves when you tell them about skipping heartbeats. My idea of a date is to sit on a patch of grass chewing cane with the girl whilst regaling her with stories of my hare hunting prowess. I’m suspicious of the WC; I’m more at home hearing my pupu swoosh down a 30ft hole to land in a thud. That’s just me, a guy born with a tooth and three chest hairs.

   I hope I’m welcome here despite my eccentricities.

   Anyhow, I find your city rather strange and your ways a tad peculiar. Yesterday I visited Jeevanjee gardens and found people eating right outside a pay toilet. Clever chaps! See, by seating nearby, you can always dash into the loo’s in case of a diarrheal emergency. City food cannot be trusted you know.  

    Oh, and the buildings…my, all tall and glistening with glass walls. I went to the KICC to take my souvenir taller-than-it picture and it was a thrill. However, when I took the elevator to go up to the roof someone farted and we had to endure 27floors in the stinking little cubicle. Everyone suspected I was responsible simply because I was wearing a yellow “Ng’ombe” t-shirt, blue Savco jeans and brown moccasins. It wasn’t me though; I don’t pass gas in public except that one time while swimming in a river to see if there would be bubbles.

    Guys, I’m so excited to be here. Next I’ll be visiting Nyayo House to see where Anyang’ Nyong’o lost one of his marbles –we’re lucky Lupita was born before his detention. Then I’ll go to the Nation Center and turn into a frog so that when Penninah Karibe arrives for work she will pick me up, kiss my lips and I will turn into her prince charming. After, just as Quincy did with Esther, I’ll make her quit her job, join a cult, sue her parents and get a very big pregnancy.

    How’s that for a village head in the city!